Since the decision to get divorced, I have spent several months in counseling. I am having trouble admitting I even made that decision. It seems like it was made for me. My ex-husband mentioned it first and filed first. There is no doubt I wanted to get divorced. I am just have trouble taking responsibility for it.
I’m really sorry I just wrote those lines but I can’t go back and change them because they are the truth to me. That is my counselor’s job, to help me get to my own truths. I spent some time this week praying for truth, asking for truth.
My counselor, who likes to remain nameless, imagine that, does this wonderful Christian Energy work called SPLANKNA. She prays with me before she starts testing my body for different energies to work on. It is wonderful work and always produces wonderful results.
During my session, my counselor got to a part in the energy work where she stopped and said, “I think we need to cast out the devil.” She prayed and I prayed. She started to move on but I couldn’t let go of this part of the therapy. She had said something about releasing me from any contract I had made with the devil.
“I’m having trouble with the devil thing.” I said.
“What do you mean?” She said.
“The whole contract thing.”
“Well,” she said, “we can make contracts with the devil anytime. We don’t always realize we’ve done it. Sometimes it’s even as a small child or in the womb.”
“How do we get out of the contract?” I asked.
“Pray about it,” she replied. “The devil NEVER keeps his end of the bargain. He is a liar. So while we think we have to fulfill our end, the devil never fulfills his.”
The session time was up. I had to go. This is where it all went downhill for me. I left her office knowing I had made a deal with the devil.
You see, the truth is, I’ve wanted to get divorced for a very long time. Basic fear has kept me in the marriage. I knew my ex-husband would not let me go easily. That he was going to be as difficult and hateful as he could be.
In 2006, we had moved into an apartment. It was our 10<sup>th</sup> move in 13 years. I wanted out of the marriage desperately. I had gotten on my hands and knees and told Satan I would do whatever he wanted if he would just get me the money to get out of the marriage. I am not proud of this and immediately I recanted.
Now I know what you are thinking, or at least I think I know what you are thinking, “how does an educated woman believe she made a pact with the devil?”
Well, I wouldn’t believe it either but my therapist confirmed it for me. There it was, very obvious. If I didn’t have any money then I didn’t make the agreement. No money equaled safe from the devil. I wasn’t making any money because if I did it would be because of the pact I had made. No job, no money, no divorce, no devil.
This was exactly what the devil wanted. He wanted to keep me from becoming the woman God intended for me to be at my conception. He knew my marriage was not a Godly one and that if I stayed in it I would not fulfill God’s purpose for my life.
Jesus came so that we might have life and that we might have it more abundantly. Jesus came to teach us mercy not sacrifice. Jesus came so that we might know love.
My soul crumbled like a cookie during my marriage. Day by day, week by week pieces of me broke of and were left on the floor to be swept up and thrown away. It doesn’t seem like much but last week when my kids and I went shopping I decided to buy cookies. I started to buy the cookies my ex-husband always wanted and then I realized I don’t really like those cookies. I stood in the aisle for a long time looking at all the different cookies trying to remember what kind I liked. Finally, I found the soft, chewy kind. I grabbed them and put them in the cart.
My thirteen year old son took them out and said “why are you buying these?”
“Because they’re my favorite,” I said.
“I didn’t know that,” he said. “They’re my favorite too.”
A simple thing like giving up the cookies I loved so that I would only buy the ones my ex-husband loved is an example of the decisions that were stripped from me.
A day at the zoo was changed to a day at the go-carts, simply because I suggested it. A dinner at one restaurant was out of the question because I was the one who had mentioned it. A movie I wanted to see wasn’t the choice because I was the one who wanted to see it.
All the time, I did the only thing I thought I could do. Support the decision made and make the best of it. I got really good at making the best of it. Now, I can’t even tell you what movie I want to go to or what restaurant I would choose.
I do know this though; I really want to go to the zoo.