Welcome back for 50 more of the downright rib-ticklin’est, knee-slappin’est, all out funniest Southern sayings around. (Click here if you missed the first part, ‘Southern’isms: 50 of the funniest Southern sayings and colloquialisms.) The beauty of these country-fried quotables is that even if you aren’t from the South, many of them are so universally relatable that they translate for a global audience. So whether you’re just a hop and a skip, up the street a ways or from all the way up yonder, i’m sure you’ll find something here that tickles your funny bone.
So without much more “to do”, here are 50 more of the funniest and best Southern sayings:
1. She’s so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
2. If wishes were fishes we’d all cast nets. If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.
3. Is a pig’s a– pork? Does a bear sh– in the woods? Does a one-legged duck swim in circles? *– Used when answering ‘yes’ to a question whose answer should be obvious.
4. He was happier than a tornado in a trailer park. *
5. If that don’t get your fire started, your wood’s wet. – Used to describe something that should motivate you. *
6. He’s so dumb he couldn’t find water if he fell out a boat. (Variation: “He couldn’t hit water if he fell out a boat.” to describe someone’s poor aim.)
7. I’ll whup you so bad you’ll holler ‘Y’all stop.’ and it’ll be just me. (Courtesy USA Deep South.)
8. If a buzzard had a radio up his a– there’d be music in the air. *
9. He’s so skinny he’d have to stand up twice to cast a shadow.
10. She’s got a face like 9-days bad weather. (Variation: He’s got a face like 9 miles of bad road.)
11. I’ll stomp a mudhole in his a– and walk it dry. See also: Your a– is grass and I’m the lawnmower.
12. He’s so ugly he’s gotta sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.
13. Get mad, get glad or scratch your a–, it don’t make a difference to me. – Commonly told to someone who is throwing a tantrum or otherwise upset.
14. He’s about as useful as a football bat.
15. If you play with a puppy he’ll lick your mouth; if you play with a child he’ll make you cry. (My grandpa said this one all the time. Just as certain as playing with a puppy will get your mouth licked, once kids see you as their “big friend” and not their parent you’re headed for trouble.)
16. He’s slower than molasses going uphill in January. *
17. If she had a ham under both arms she’d cry ‘cause she had no bread. (Used for people who are never satisfied/always complaining.)
18. He wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight. He wouldn’t throw rice at a wedding. – Used to describe a cowardly person or someone who otherwise wouldn’t act.
19. Yeah, and if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle. (In case you can’t tell by now, Southerners ain’t too big on the word ‘If’.) – Used for people who are always talking about how things would be different ‘if’ this or ‘except for’ that.
20. He ran through there faster than salts through a widow woman. – Epsom salts, that is. Southerners have yet to determine if ‘salts’ have the same effect on a woman who is still married, or one who is single. But one thing’s for sure and two things are for certain: when you combine widow women and salts, sh– gets real real, real fast.
21. If a–holes were airplanes then this place would be an airline.
22. He’s crooked’er than a $3 bill.
23. Let’s run it up the flagpole and see who salutes. – It may not be a good plan but dadgumit, it’s the only plan we got so let’s run with it and see what happens.
24. What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China? – Used to ask a person what what they’re saying has to do with the current conversation.
25. If ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ were candy and nuts we’d all have a Merry Christmas. (Variation: If excuses was gooses we’d all have a happy Thanksgiving.)
26. It was like trying to get fly sh– off a pinhead with boxing gloves on. – Used to describe something that is extremely hard.
27. She was busier than a one-eyed cat watchin’ two rat holes.
28. He’s such a tighta– he could swallow a dollar and sh– out four quarters. – Used for someone who is extremely cheap or uptight.
29. He’s so skinny it looks like he traded legs with a wasp and got cheated out of the stinger. (Courtesy InnocentEnglish.com.)
30. He’s as dumb as a soup sandwich. (Courtesy InnocentEnglish.com.)
31. They’re sh—in’ in high cotton. (For someone who is very wealthy.)
32. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and then. (Used to describe when someone who is dim-witted finally gets something right.)
33. Who in the hell left the gate open? – Used jokingly (and sometimes, not so jokingly) when you’re paid a visit by someone whose presence in your home can only mean trouble. See also: Look what the cat drug in.
34. I gotta piss like a race horse. (Variation: I gotta piss like a race horse getting chased by a glue truck.)
35. She’s tougher than a $2 steak. See also: She’s meaner than a junkyard dog.
36. She’s got champagne taste and a beer pocketbook.
37. He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees.
38. Like the monkey makin’ love to the skunk; didn’t get all he wanted but got all he could stand. – Said after a particularly filling meal. (Courtesy USADeepSouth.)
39. I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. – Used to let someone know you’re not as gullible as they obviously think you are. See also: I was born at night, not last night.
40. It’s colder than a cast iron outhouse on Christmas day. *
41. Don’t let your mouth write a check that your a– can’t cash. – Meaning a person shouldn’t let their big talk get them in big trouble. (Variation: Don’t let your pitbull mouth overload your puppydog a–.)
42. My ‘Get up and go’ has got up and went. (For someone who is completely exhausted.)
43. He don’t know sh– from shinola. (It’s ok, you can admit it. I didn’t know what Shinola was either until I Wiki’d it. Turns out it’s a brand of shoe polish popular in the early 1900’s.)
44. The room was so crowded you couldn’t cuss the cat without getting fur in your mouth. (Courtesy IE.)
45. How about a heapin’ hot helpin’ of ‘F— it?’ – When you’re exasperated to the point you don’t want anything else to do with a person/place/thing.
46. Those kids could worry the dead. – Typically used for loud/rowdy youngsters, you could also apply this one to any person or persons known for causing a ruckus.
47. I’m so slick I can stand on my head in the bathtub and stack greased BB’s with boxing gloves on.
48. She’s so pretty he was looking for her in the daytime with a flashlight.
49. She’s so fat it takes two dogs to bark at her.
50. Ain’t nothin’ open after 12am but the hospital and legs. – The only reason a parent ever needs to deny their kid’s request to stay out past curfew.
*Special ‘Tip of the hat’ to contributors Sam, Nick, Patrick, Charles and Allan for their own hilarious contributions to this article. Also thanks to everyone who helped make the first ‘Southern’isms such a big hit.
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