This will be my first article for the tapeunit.com that I have ever written while outside of the United States! As I am writing this, I am experiencing the last evening of my first visit ever to Germany (Berlin specifically). I have had a great time here interacting with the men and women of this country, as well as a few men and women from neighboring countries such as Belgium, France, Switzerland, The Netherlands and one or two other countries.
I was a featured speaker for a two-day event known as “The Direct Dating Summit Weekend Conference for Men” which is designed to help single heterosexual men from as young as eighteen to as old as their late fifties or early sixties learn how to approach new women of interest with more confidence, initiate and maintain a conversation with them, and ultimately create some degree of romantic and/or sexual chemistry with them.
I have had many discussions with the men I have met related to the contents of my books, and the general subject of being “direct” versus “indirect” with women (Without giving too lengthy of a description or definition, to be ‘indirect’ with women means to engage in a lengthy degree of entertaining ‘small talk’ prior to letting women know your romantic or sexual desires, interests, and intentions; To be ‘direct’ would represent when a man is upfront and straightforward with women within the first few minutes of the conversation regarding the fact that he wants to date them or have [casual] sex with them).
In addition to being a book author and freelance columnist, I am also a professional dating coach (think Will Smith’s character in the 2005 film, Hitch) who offers telephone consultations and “One-on-One Coaching Sessions” with clients all over the world that center on the benefits of being direct with women instead of indirect.
If there is at least one criticism I tend to receive from some men who have read my books or listen to me speak at workshops, it would be comments such as, “Alan … I respect you and I love your books, but you are almost TOO direct. Many of the stories I have read about you suggest that you let women know you want to have sex with them almost within minutes after you have made their acquaintance for the first time. Shouldn’t you be at least a tad bit more ‘vague’ and ‘ambiguous’ about your sexual desires and interests in your first conversation with a woman?”
My argument always has been and always will be an emphatic “no.” I believe the best form of interpersonal communication with anyone is verbal communication that is upfront, to-the-point, and straightforwardly honest. Others believe in a style that is more “beat-around-the-bush,” and if that works for them, more power to them. For me, an “indirect” interpersonal communication style with women leaves too much room for confusion, miscommunications, and misinterpretations.
One discussion that happened today here in Berlin that started out fairly lighthearted, but quickly turned into a more serious and even somewhat ‘contentious’ debate, was when some of the men I was in conversation with said that they believed the best way to let a woman know you want to have sex with her is to simply say, “Hey … you want to go back to my place?”
I remember interviewing an attraction and seduction expert by the name of Paul Janka a few years back on my talk radio podcast program, Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie. This was one of the first interviews I had on my show that started out rather “friendly,” but soon became full of tension and disagreement. It started when I asked Janka was he ‘direct’ or ‘indirect’ with women. He said he was ‘direct’ … but when he described his approach in full detail, I told him that I felt his approach toward women was actually more ‘indirect’ than ‘direct.’
Janka went on to say (paraphrasing his words a bit), “I would never tell a woman straight-up that I want have sex with her (before going to his place or her place). That would kill the sexual tension and mood between us. I just simply invite her over to my place, and if she agrees to join me, I engage in a few minutes of entertaining conversation with her at my place and then I take the initiative to start ‘making the moves’ on her.” My response was, “Then that is not a truly ‘direct’ approach. What if she thinks she is going back to your place just to relax and converse?”
I used this approach many times in college. Many times when a party was coming to an end, I would chat with a woman in a flirtatious manner, and say, “you want to go back to my apartment / dormitory room?” If they said, “yes,” I would ASSUME this meant they wanted to have sex. I would estimate that 60-70% I was right in my confident assumption. It was that remaining 30-40% of the time that I was wrong in my assumption that left me feeling agitated and frustrated.
Sometimes, when I would do as Janka said … and simply started “making the moves” … the women would respond, “Is that why you think I came to your room / apartment / dormitory room? To have sex with you?!? Nope. Not happening. I thought you just wanted a more private place to continue the conversation we started at the party.” My inner reaction (and sometimes I would verbalize it) would be, “Surely you jest. You HAD TO KNOW that I invited you back to my place to have sex. You HAD TO KNOW that!” In these women’s defense, I had not made my sexual intentions specifically clear to them.
Again, roughly 2/3 of the women I brought back to my place were on the same page as me. The other third were on Venus while I was in residence on Mars. (In partial defense of Janka, and others like him, one film that seems to endorse this approach was the 2011 romantic comedy, Crazy, Stupid, Love.; In this film, the womanizer and informal pick-up artist ‘Jacob Palmer’ [Actor Ryan Gosling] simply says to the women he meets in his favorite bar, “You wanna get outta here?” And then he takes the women to his place and has sex with them)
So, I want to ask all of the women who are reading this article right now a very important question: When a man meets you at a bar, restaurant, nightclub, or other social event, and at some point says, “Listen … you want to go back to my place?” would you automatically assume that you and that particular man are going to inevitably have sex? At least two women here in Germany said, “Yes Alan … I always assume that I am going to have sex when a man invites me back to his place late at night.” Many of the women I am acquainted with in the United States have told me different.
Please offer your opinion on Twitter, Facebook, or private Email. I want to conduct my own “informal survey” of sorts. I will publish some of the more interesting feedback I receive in a future article.
Since my approach is far different from Janka’s and others, what do I say to women when I want a one-night stand or weekend fling with them? If you want the lengthy, detailed version … pick up a copy of my book, Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. The short version would be I use a combination of a low-volume, semi-whisper version of my voice, my overall conversational skills, ultra-confident direct eye-contact, and a high degree of “erotic dirty talk” to seduce women into [casual] sex. I typically know for a fact before a woman even comes to my place (or before I visit her place) if we are having sex or not. I do not really like to leave a sexual interaction with a woman up to “chance” (leaving things up to chance is where the frequently used term “he got lucky” comes from).
When you do what I do, it is so interesting to converse with men from so many different countries and so many varied ethnicities and cultural backgrounds, because once you get deep in a conversation, you realize that all single heterosexual men have many of the same desires and challenges as it relates to women. No matter what country, all men are either looking for a) a wife, b) a long-term romantic partner, or at minimum, c) a series of short-term non-monogamous casual sex partners and/or “friends-with-benefits” partners (being real, most of my clients are looking for advice related to “C” more so than “A” or “B”).
I will miss the discussions I have had here in Germany. Met a great group of guys (and ladies too!). They said they will always associate the phrase “say it again” with me for the rest of their lives.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to rest up for my flight back to “The States” (as most Europeans refer to The USA) by listening to Wayne Newton sing “Danke Schoen.”
P.S. Female readers … do not forget to offer me feedback on the line, “You want to go back to my place?”
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie’s latest eBook is also available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie’s eBook on your iPhone, Android smartphone, or other smartphone.
Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program in the category of “Romance” and dating & relationships on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details
Currie will be a featured speaker at the upcoming Direct Dating Summit Weekend Conference for Men in New York City on Saturday, July 27, 2013 and Sunday, July 28, 2013. For more details, visit http://directdatingsummit.com