( As transcribed live from a recent broadcast on Ice-D TV ( totally ficticious).
(applause in background fades down…)
HOST: Welcome back. Now, on with our popular Mailbag segment, and with me today is The Driver of that famous Big Yellow School Bus we all have come to know and love. Good day to you, Sir.
DRIVER: Thank you very much. Glad to be here.
HOST: Before we get started, you are Canadian, correct?
HOST: And so is Justin Bieber, correct?
DRIVER. I apologize. Yes, I am Canadian and so is Justin Bieber and I apologize. Now and forever.
HOST: Good. We have that out of the way. Now, on with the show. We dipped into our mailbag and we have a question — Diane, of Saskatratchatcahwan –did I say that correctly…?
DRIVER: No, but that’s fine. Carry on.
HOST: ( chuckles) Diane would like to know if you have hit anything while driving your big yellow school bus?
DRIVER: (blushing) Yes. More than once.
HOST: Tell us about it.
DRIVER: Well, while driving a big bus in the city, I have knocked off mirrors from parked cars. Did that twice. Both times my fault. Was paying more attention to where my upcoming stop was located than I was to my actual driving. These runs were new to me, but still — no excuse. I goofed.
HOST: Anything else?
DRIVER: Oh yeah. Then there was the time I tried to go down an alley and clipped the corner of a garage. Broke a window on the bus but no one was hurt. Big lesson there was: –If you can’t do it safely, don’t do it. I’ll never do that again!
HOST: I can see why. Is there more?
DRIVER: Well, the best one was when I had a smaller bus, a busette. It was parked in my drive way. I got the bus ready to leave but I was a few minutes behind my time, so to speak..so I quickly zoomed back, out of the driveway and right into my neighbour’s car. Most embarrasing.
HOST: Was there a lesson to be learned from that one?
DRIVER: There always is. This time, the neighbour had parked his car in a different spot. A place he had never parked before. I should have taken a better look behind me before doing what I did. A few extra seconds would have saved me a lot of grief.
HOST: Sounds like you lead an exciting life. We’ll have you back again for more, ok? Then you can tell us how many times your bus has been stuck in snow. ( see video)
DRIVER: Sounds good to me. And sorry again about Justin Bieber.
HOST: No problem. I think Loverboy and Nickelback make up for him.
(wild applause…cameras fade to black…cue the commercial)
More from The Mailbag next time. And for constant reader Drina from Cambodia, we have a map just for you. (see map) ( Box 429)